THE TALE OF THE TAPE

	Dr. Jonas Salk	Yours Truly
Occupation	Physician; Inventor of polio vaccine	Tech support
Times married	2	0
Winner of the Presidential Medal of Freedom	Yes	Not Yet
Number of to-the-death knife fights won**	None	2
Breathing?	Nope	Yep. Suck it, Mr. Guy Who Has Saved Millions of Lives!

**For purposes of this chart "Number of to-the-death knife fights won" should read "Number of 4th and 5th grade spelling bees won"