Words I can't use: big, flying, dragons, napalm, Godzilla, Gamera, D&D, never, America, England, Jets, missiles, hell, cold, cool, dead, wings, physics, attack, kill, over, craptastic, breath, lizard, reptile, dinosaur, wurm, beast, suck, egg, hatch, claws, bald, marijuana, bongos, career, awful, terrible, waste-of-celluloid, movie (Words in bold I found the most difficult to work around.)
Words I'm glad I could use: creature, air, plothole
Act I A mining site in the U.K. is the start of our attempt at a summer blockbuster. There, little Quinn visits his mother several stories below the earth's crust. As luck would have it he happens upon a small opening in a cave wall. He climbs and we encounter what can best be described as a gigantic, airborne, iguana-like creature (surprisingly, while this term rolls off the tongue, a different one is used in the film). The creature escape and lays the smackdown on our protagonist's mom.
Act II Cut several years into the future, and we are at a castle with what may in fact be the remnants of human society. The audience is given some insight into how a gigantic, airborne, iguana-like earth comes to be through newspapers and magazines strewn about. The facts are presented in tax-code-clarity. If you end up wathcing this movie ignore whatever they tell you and just remember they burn stuff and eat people.
Act III We've learned a bit about our villains, a bit abour our heroes. Now it's time to introduce our antagonistic protagonist. In walks Matthew McCoughnahy (I'm not bothering to look up the proper spelling). You may remember him from such films as "That one where Jennifer Lopez got her shoe caught on the street" , or "That one that was kind of like 'The Truman Show' only no one gave a crap about it" or "That one where he's a lawyer", or "That other one where he's a lawyer but it's like in the past or something since everyone's dressed funny". Actually, he's probably most famous for going all Cheech & Chong in real life and getting all unclothed playing Babaloo.
He plays van Zant (or something) and his team of wild U.S. citizens. They're giant-iguana-slayers who've arrived for unknown purposes. He is accompanied by a bunch of thrill-seekers who despite their camoflauge are all wearing the red shirts, if you know what I mean. Also with them is their ace chopper pilot, Alex. For those who were worried about mysoginistic entertainment in the post-apocolyptic future, fret not. If it ends up human society rebuilds and Maxim magazine once again gets published, Sarah here will make sure to pass the necessary genes on to her progeny to assure it's filled with way hot half-naked models.
The team of slayers decide to show off their daring capacity to hunt down and exterminate the sky giants. Their methods seemingly consist of plummeting to their doom with no chance such a ludcrous plan could work. They claimed to have destoryed several dozen of the creatures, but I'm guessing they're including all the times they played Adventure on the Atari 2600.
Act IV This leads to a period in the film where there's a lot of angry guys yelling at each other and a complete and utter lack of firey King-Kong sized terrors and the slaying thereof. (Your bathroom break begins... now!)
Act V Finally an attempt is made to bring down the Grand Pooba of the fire iguanas. Redshirts a-plenty.
Act VI A second attempt is made, now with goodness, understanding, and love in their hearts. Do they succeed? Is there a potential for a straight-to-video sequel starring Jan-Michael Vincent? You betcha.
This leads to yet another plothole involving killing the head iguana. As an experiment I need any parents reading to do the following:
1) Get a pocketknife, a razor, or some other handy sharp object.
2) Render yourself sterile.
3) Check to see if your kids have disappeared.
Despite my review I was pretty entertained. When action was occuring it was pretty gosh-darn exciting. When it involved our two heroes bitching and moaning for about twenty minutes, it was somewhat less exciting. It's not a film I can safely recommend to others.
