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Nothing provides quick no-brainer content to a website like movie reviews. Of course there's a gimmick, and it is this: I've asked a number of people to rattle off a series of words that I can not use in my review. For example, I could try to write a review of Rocky without the words "boxing", "punch", or "Adrian". The words in bold are ones I found hardest to work around.
REIGN OF FIRE
Words I can't use: big, flying, dragons, napalm, Godzilla, Gamera, D&D, never, America, England, Jets, missiles, hell, cold, cool, dead, wings, physics, attack, kill, over, craptastic, breath, lizard, reptile, dinosaur, wurm, beast, suck, egg, hatch, claws, bald, marijuana, bongos, career, awful, terrible, waste-of-celluloid, movie
A mining site in the U.K. is the start of our attempt at a summer blockbuster. There, little Quinn visits his mother several stories below the earth's crust. As luck would have it he happens upon a small opening in a cave wall. He climbs and we encounter what can best be described as a gigantic, airborne, iguana-like creature (surprisingly, while this term rolls off the tongue, a different one is used in the film). The creature escape and lays the smackdown on our protagonist's mom. Cut several years into the future, and we are at a castle with what may in fact be the remnants of human society. Insight into how a gigantic, airborne, iguana-like earth comes to be is given to us in drips and drabs. The facts are laid out to us in tax code clarity as we try to quell the voices in our heads that start sentences with "Well if that's the case, why do..." One very funny scene here which I won't give away let's us know what they do for entertainment in an iguanatopia. We've learned a bit about our villains, a bit abour our heroes. Now it's time to introduce our antagonistic protagonist. In walks Matthew McCoughnahy (I'm not bothering to look up the proper spelling). You may remember him from such films as "That one where Jennifer Lopez got her shoe caught on the street", or "That one that was kind of like 'The Truman Show' only no one gave a crap about it" or "That one where he's a lawyer", or "That other one where he's a lawyer but it's like in the past or something since everyone's dressed funny". Actually, he's probably most famous for going all Cheech & Chong in real life and getting all unclothed playing Babaloo. He plays van Zant (or something) and his team of wild American giant-iguana-slayers has arrived for unknown purposes. He is accompanied by a bunch of thrill-seekers who despite their camoflauge are all wearing the red shirts, if you know what I mean. Also with them is their ace chopper pilot, Sarah. For those who were worried about mysoginistic entertainment in the post-apocolyptic future, fret not. If it ends up human society rebuilds and Maxim magazine once again gets published, Sarah here will make sure to pass the necessary genes on to her progeny to assure it's filled with way hot half-naked models. The team of Americans decide to show off their daring capacity to hunt down and exterminate the sky giants. Their methods seemingly consist of plummeting to their doom with no chance such a ludcrous plan could work. They claimed to have destoryed several dozen of the creatures, but I'm guessing their including all the times they played Adventure on the Atari 2600. This leads to a period in the movie where there's a lot of angry guys yelling at each other and a complete and utter lack of firey King-Kong sized terrors and the slaying thereof. Finally an attempt is made to bring down the Grand Pooba of the fire iguanas. Redshirts. A second attempt is made, now with goodness and understanding in their hearts. Do they succeed? Is there a potential for a straight-to-video sequel starring Jan-Michael Vincent? You betcha. This leads to yet another plothole. As an experiment I need any parents reading to do the following: * Get a pocketknife, a razor, or some other handy sharp object. * Render yourself sterile * Check to see if your kids have disappeared. Despite my review I was pretty entertained, when action was occuring it was pretty gosh-darn exciting. But it's not something I can safely recommend to others. Lilo and Stitch Third-World, Animation, Art, Drawing, Barrio, Ghetto, Phonograph, Hispanic, Fuzzy, Fluffy, Sponsor-a-Child Sally Struthers Big Kahoona, Experiment, Surfing, Black, dog, girl, fire, island, car, spaceship, home, room, bed, push, hunt, chase, work, job, ice cream, sunburn. Aliens, dog, glasses, postman, post office, old, new, threat, monster, head, CGI, teeth, sexy, earth, space, guns, shoot, train, knees, shorts Rap, Fresh Prince, Old, "face like the inside of a Thomas's English Muffin" Dog, Human, Man, Destroy, Wreck, Earth, Planet, World, Worm, Teeth, Fangs, Gun, Al Gore, Suit, Car,